Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize