I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
