eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
