The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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