Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
