Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
they need to just BURY HIM!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
