I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she peed on how many people?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
