At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
