he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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