I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
