once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
