I just saw a hot homeless man
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize