it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
