I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
