i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize