i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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