walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
