literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
