hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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