he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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