It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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