Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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