my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
