I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize