she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
