just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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