you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize