btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
