Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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