please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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