How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
