overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
