she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
