whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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