8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
