He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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