Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize