I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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