Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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