3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
