Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
