tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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