The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
