Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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