So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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