mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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