you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
