I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She is in my trunk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
