What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
