I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize