i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
