i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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