Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
