Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
