So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
