I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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