would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
