If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Michael Bay diarrhea
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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