My underwear smells like fireworks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
