I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We need to get me chipped asap
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
